Nike.

It's been a while since I'd last blogged. But now, or even since then, who really reads?

I'd started work at Nike Singapore as a marketing temp, but it's more work than that. Simply too tired to even talk about it. Right now in the dead of the night, instead of continuing my readings for my FYE, I'm looking for other jobs already.

Things been rather, well, let's just say I feel real jaded. Emotional tensions are always there, but I feel lonely. I feel as if the world has left me. And right now, I feel it's hard to look for anyone at all, let alone trust anyone.

As I scroll through my phonebook, I realize that there's simply no one I can call.

A certain someone would probably tell me to shut up and be a man about it. Perhaps, that's how it really is. People tell you they'd be there for you, but when things really do happen, are they? The moments when you really needed them? I guess it's sad. Because I was really there for you when you needed me.

Guess it's about give and take, and not being fair. I'd learnt.

The hard way.

So right now in midst of my horrible insomnia again, I can't even let slumber take me away to dreams. Air hopes I call em. But at least it keeps me sane and sober, letting me know just who was never here for me.

Sigh.


Wishlist to myself:

1. New spectacles
2. Gym gloves
3. E
4. Lipo6
5. Protein
6. A mini fridge (just dreaming)
7. Mini vacuum
8. A holiday.

It's been a while. Too much memories. Just different sensation now.

Walk on.

Loose.

I'm breaking down.

:)

All's good in the hood.

:)

Shadows of my Heart

Shadow shadow, wherefore are thou?
I seek not of thee, thee who locks me not free.
Shadow shadow, wherefore art thee?
You taketh form of me, locking me be.

You take me now, you raise my brow,
I'd rather be killed by a cow.
You take me now, you bumped the cow,
My head's rather, severed now.

Heart, heart of mine,
when would my love be fine?
Heart, heart of mine,
Have you taken my chances be thine?

Abreast, my courage, abreast.
Is this but of God's test?
Abreast, my courage, take test.
Leave if you have, but be blessed.


Sigh.

You.

Stop being so unfair. Stop screwing up my head again as I was ready to let go. Ready to forget. I should really stop letting you do this to me.

What's the point? There is no future in us. That's what you showed me. Then why?

Then why persist?





More truth to come I would say.

For the last few days...

I haven't been able to update for the last couple of days simply due to me having not much Internet connection. It really, really fucking sucks. I'm sick and fucking tired, honestly, of everything and everyone around me. No, not all, but a lot of people. I've come to a point that I really don't wanna get involved with your shit. Call me selfish cuz I really have too much in head that's really mindfucking me now, namely from you know who.

But good on me, that I continued to blog even without the forsaken fucking Internet connections in MS Word which now I would simply copy and paste here.

July 11th

Today sucked cuz it’s one of the worst days I’d ever had.
First, I saw A* with her beau just outta her house in her typical just made out hair do and behaviour. Was angry/sad/disappointed, but gave up on all those emotions simply cuz I take her as someone I no longer know.

Then at Blacks training, I was pinpointed as the most useless person. Am I sensitive? I got fucked with the most push ups even though I completed the fitness training without being the last person to come in, and NEVER got a chance to train as part of the team for the sevens competition. Even the LOUSIEST guy who skipped fitness and fucked up the passes had a go. WTF.

Rushed home to club with Gene and Cindy, saw drunken Shirlene. Fair enough. Then when I was at the toilet of Zouk, I bumped, literally physically bumped into Teresa. I immediately turned after saying sorry to her lest her beau got insecure all over me. I immediately tried to walk outta the club to avoid an otherwise awkward scene. Soon after, Gene boy came out to tell me that she seemed sad/despondent/weeping and hugging her friend after seeing me. Don’t really know if that really helped.

Ya, they all react so sad and feel so bad for what they did. But if so, why did they do it in the first place? And why do they CONTINUE DOING SO?

Am I really that badass fucked up?
Ugh. Tell me please.

July 14th

This is day of Past Vs Present. Got there in the morning at about 7:45am to realize that the games been pushed back an hour and fourty five minutes. Shame on you Hannah. Nonetheless, had a fantastic time with the chaps since we all graduated and that all of them had been well. Bo Wen’s grown fat, and Eugene/Caine/Marc all’s been the same.

Played a total of 4 games, in which the seniors(that is us), won 3 and drew one, with a little help from Kwok. Realized how times have caught up with us, and we were no longer the young punks anymore. Scored a couple of tries, namely at least one in every match myself, and played my heart out. Fitness is definitely not there. Note to self yeah.

After which I was late for work because of the games. A* came to talk to me. Supposedly needed to talk. As usual. Emotions ran and tempers flew only to realize, well, I still give a big shit about her. Had really wanted to tell her that I could forgive all that and forget, but I couldn’t bring myself too. I couldn’t bring myself to always give in to her. I do. But I ain’t telling.

Ended up realizing that her parents, her mom namely, instructed her to TOTALLY stop contacting me, even for a while. Am I that bad? I can’t care. She help my hands so tight, she would really never would had let go.If only she had done that months ago and not deleted that testimonial from Friendster which she deleted. The one where she said “(she) would never let go of my hands ever”. If only. Sigh.

Had a bad day at work cuz I was late and all were giving me attitude from the Union. Malcolm had told me to stack em all chairs on top and Sam had other plans. Told me to leave. Fuck. Don’t get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for Sam but honestly, ask me to leave? Damn be it.

Met up with Syme my man and little Gene boy thereafter for some pizza. Simply cuz I hadn’t eaten since 6am till 8+pm. DAMN!

Got a call from her at about 10:50pm. She said,” IF(a very big IF), that we were ever to have a future again, I won’t wanna share you at all.” I told her I was always fully for her. Just that she never wanted me. But once again, I talked to her in a soft voice Han would offer only to Amanda. WHY? I don’t know. Told her I won’t share her with anyone. Especially not with another guy. Friends fine.

I don’t know. I don’t really see a future though I would love to. Simply cuz things have gotten so outta hand that it seems doomed. Don’t get me wrong, I still love Amanda. But I love the one who once held my hand and told me she would never let go. Sigh. It blows. Why must she continue, even till this stage, that she must take things in her own way? Has she not learnt that THOUGHTS must be SPARE for ME? I don’t know. Regarding David, I still think he’s a twit. Always have, always will. If not him, someone else would take that place.

Fidelity people, fidelity. Loyalty to your partner is the only I look for in this world. Is it that hard? If a guy like me can do it, why can’t a girl?

I gave my best. I did.

July 15th
It was celebrations for Lutfiah’s birthday today. All surprises were killed. And I’m ass tired right now at 3:10am.

Basically we went to the beach which made me think of A*. And then Vivo which made me think of A*. Couldn’t let it out cuz I didn’t wanna kill anyone’s mood.

We did some stupid videos which I hope to post real soon.

Met some drunk indian who offered me a job cuz I was obnoxious, loud and had an attitude. Bought food and drinks, mainly alcoholic ones, which totalled to a few hundred bucks just to us.

Got me a mega buzz, which was added to my meeting with Syme. With a couple of beers.

I’m getting excited and tired of life.

How ironic. How it is.

Off to bed.

With a heartache.

And now on 16th July, i'm getting ready to meet Syme to head to school. I honestly ain't feeling the greatest in the world for the last couple of days. Even though those brief rugby games did make me feel like the champ again, made me feel like the best again, it all just made me empty again when it did stop. Something's missing within me. Or someone.

Note it like Oprah.

Oprah Winfrey has a habit of keeping track 5 things that she is thankful for in the day, and 5 things that could had been better.

Here is mine.

Thankful for...

1.Benching 110Kg w/o breaking my shoulder
2.Came out of training w/o injury
3.Wisdom from God
4.Deleting a certain someone from my friendster
5.Having enough water to drink


Things that could had been better...

1.Not being left out in training due to lousy fitness
2.Dizziness always during training
3.Seeing him and her doing their kissy suck face outside her house
4.Thinking that it was special between us, seems like everyone can have a go
5.Fucking shaky wisdom tooth causing me unable to eat at all

And now i'm off to Zouk.

Ponder wonder.

I really wonder if, I really did all those 'nice' things as my friendster testimonials say. Honestly. Is it because i'm single in profile, that those people start being nicer? I mean, come on now, I still treat all of them the same, regardless be it guys or girls. I'm still the same guy. Though it's real nice that people talk good about me, show me some sort of attention, but I don't know. It seems to paint a misleading picture about me, seemingly so promiscuous. Argh.

My msn nick is, to err, is to man does. If you read it real fast, who's name does it sound like? Sigh. So far only Charis figured out what i'm saying. Perhaps A would never know. No no, not perhaps, I know she would never know.

I'm a man of words, be it when it counts or when it doesn't. But some people just pay attention to things that they are oh so interested. I guess, literary wit is honestly for oneself to partake.

No doubt, she is keeping me awake. Instilled into every thought in my mind, sapping on my energy. I want to sleep. Yet I don't dare to sleep? Insomnia caused by what? After reading up rubbish on the Net, my self analysis is that I don't dare to sleep due to recurrent dreams of her. All of which are bittersweet.

Do I want to see her again in a beautiful dream? Yes and no.

Why? Because I became so emotionally frail that I wake in a pool of tears.

I haven't really slept in 3 days because of that. Only those 2 hr naps in the noon, oh, were they naps? I don't know. I just fell and woke up.

Baby come back...

Sleeplessness.

I can't believe I still miss you so much.

I still dream the impossible.

Sigh.

Fever beaver.

It sucks to always fall sick. Well, I guess technically it's not always. Since I have yet to recover. Everytime i'm close to recovery, something new strikes me again. Queer. Just like in JC days. When I had infected blood.

Ever thought of someone whom you should had never thought about ever again? I am. Every single moment now. It's not that I want to, or actually don't want to. I don't know. It ain't right. Even after lotsa drama that's not very positive, you start to think about the beautiful and magical stuff that happens. But it's a vicious cycle really, cuz when you do ponder upon those nice thoughts, what hurtful things people say to you, overthrows all of it. Especially when they told you they loved you outta sympathy, and that you were pathetic, never to get a girl, and worst of all, they admit that it wasn't a particular moment BOTH of you shared. But with anyone else who came along. It madness really.

As I squint and struggle to type in this slow computer due to the fever feeding me with pangs of headache, the pain in the heart is by the gnawing of my memories.

Rhetorical questions and existentialistic shits come into my head, the what ifs and the whys. Honestly dude, it doesn't matter. Cuz it has all happened.

Like Samm said, see what happens in Darwin. Yeah we shall see. But I honestly think it no longer concerns my ass anymore. Even if I do bother with it, sorry, Han ain't no longer in the picture anymore babe. It's either that skinny faggot or someone else. Han never seem to be all that already.

Why can't she just take it in? Like I always had. Perhaps explains the unexplainable behaviour of raising my fists. But I had always taken it in for the greater good. Tolerance. Give and take. Where are those values anymore? Have I caused a greater BAD? Apparently he's got issues and treats her like dump, and she crawls back to em. What about Han? Regardless of those times i'm out with my friends and stuff, once she calls, I was there.

I'd always be here for you if you want me to.

I chose my words carefully before I offered it to her. Did she really think about what I said? I'm ALWAYS there.
It's really just a matter whether she wants me to be there. Comprehend?

And yet I always get the blame. I would love to always see her good side and her good side only. But right now
I bet my ass they have already made up and holding each other looking at the stars.

Something that I once enjoyed.

Sigh. 

A Night Less Lit

The harshest heat in the darkness night,
Brings on angst that does do no fright.
A jagged edge, a heartstring pull
All because, I'd been a fool

Heavy head, old stupid begs
Trudging through life, trudging legs
An armour built so strong to shield me through
Blocks everything from me, such a night so cruel

I'd always offered the best, have i not yet?
But the best denies me, best am i not fed
Solitude solicits me in shambling shame
Out was the anger, that was once tamed

Thick thick lies in a thin thin relationship,
Chains of trust, thrusted, drowned, makes Titanic a dip.
Once ferocious love, turned to aggressive hate
I ain't hungry, but you filled my plate.

Side stepped problems, and slapped my own face
Robbed was I, by you, till now, no trace
Tried discovering, investigate and track
Of truths of deceit, that's now a fact

As I lay silently in whispers
My heart is solid, solidly in tatters
It's this end, somehow I'd not rather
I need trust in love, that's all that matters.

Time to train.

Come July 14th.

Pioneer Junior College Past Vs Present.

I'm totally not worried about who my teammates are, because I'm confident in myself and the others.

It's time to layeth the smack down.

Rage.

Elvis' Are You Lonesome Tonight keeps repeating in my head. And I had it repeated relentlessly in Eugene's car. Even a night at Labrador Park isn't doing it's wonders at all.

To look at it, rage is but a stupid and silly thing. Especially when other emotions come into play, you're just a walking time bomb.

I've learn that even till now, Amanda still taunts me with her messages. And yes, she did succeed. But not to any optimal value. It bugged me, and haunted me. Made me fill with grief rather than rage. It's sad things had to come to such a state. But I guess, she really ain't the one that I thought that she really was.

I've got too much on my plate now, to just even bother what had gone on. My cable's gonna be cut, the channels on TV are all gone. And now, I hafta worry on payment of my insurance monthly. And the same penultimate question again, can I even finish school?

Though everyone's quite worried about money, especially in Singapore, i'm worried about it not because I want a car or to go out with my friends, but simply to carry on with life here. That's why, if I could, I would get outta here.

When was the last time you sat with a friend at a park just to talk?

When did you last went for a quiet stroll with your partner/spouse?

When did you last enjoyed hawkerfare with your loved ones?

When was it just cool to just take it easy, and stay home watching tele with your friends?

People nowadays choose their pubs for drinks, cafes for coffee and even restaurant class joints for dinner. No one has time for no money anymore.

And yes, money is still weighing very much on my mind. I need a new job. Nevermind your passion, if you're starving.

*just a little something to document as i remove it from my Friendster account

Twisted dreams and twisted minds,Committed I have, of passionate crimes
Lies that lieds, tears that cried

Only got me into a fight
Trust I had, thrust you got
Do you really believe in God?

Tell me you love me, even when you don't
You were his, and sat his bone

The world's a stage, and we; it's players
And it wasn't me who played love's traitor
Stories you made, tales you fabled
Told to your friends, made me an asshole

Clarify myself I must,
But not to them, but them who trust
I saw an angel, till she showed her dangles

Treacherous I knew not, till you shielded him as he hit you
It seemed like me, it always did
It's always my honesty, you never greet
I thought our love was explained by how our hands fit,
Now you tell me it's just the guys you meet.

Sigh.

The Light.

I have an anger issue. You have an issue.

I just found out that you lied. After confronting you last night, you still said you weren't with him. But according to him, you were with him already.

You told me he had a backache therefore holding him, but he held you because you were his.

You told him I dumped you, but the truth is you dumped me.

I never got the truth out of you.

Who knows whether you even loved me.

I don't need to know. Because you ain't the one I love.

Sleepless

It's too much pain to fall asleep.

And i'm sounding like an emo again.

Fuck.

Argh. Where's everything that was sweet?

And the things that were to be right?

Let me forget.

Because the pain isn't bearable.

Because.

I still care?

Oh fuck.

FUCK.

Goodbye Amanda.

Beaten.

As I was out with my friends for a meet up after years, I saw Amanda and David holding each other.

I was shattered.

Trembling with grief and anger.

I approached them and called out to her.

He left.

She gave me her typical excuses and reasons.

I asked her, " are you with him? "

She said no.

I called her to call him to come.

I knew he was apprehensive but he came.

Wham. I hit him. And he came.

All along, she kept telling me to stop. Even as I did being held by her. I felt safe. But he wasn't showing the same feelings. I wanted to hit him, I saw her in the way, I pulled back my punches, literally. He punched me irregardlessly. She said," Han! Please stop! "

I'm like, stop what?

Taunts came and go, I carried on with the fight as our momentary pause was killed by him. He pushed her to the side. Which enraged me further. I threw him off too. And then he asked whether she was alright. WTF.

YOU FUCKING SHOVED HER AND YOU ACT LIKE THAT?!?!?!

I bet she thinks it was me anyway. I'm hurt and disappointed. True enough my hot headedness has gotten the better of me. But I was never, NEVER, NEVER, given the benefit of the doubt from her.

I left.

Last I heard, he became her boyfriend after we broke up.

That's not what she said, is it?

As I type, my keyboard's flooded with my tears. I'm so fucking hurt.

2 days ago, on a Sunday, 17th June, I celebrated her birthday with her. I got her a present which I spent days on, and even on the last day, I skipped sleep just to do it. That newspaper cutting, which I made into a booklet with a gift from her. Brought her parents out, and spent whatever money I've scrimped so far just to get all these done. I'm stupid I know, stop reminding me. But I did it. I love her. So much.

Or rather, the Amanda whom I thought I knew.

Fuck. I'd never hit anyone since a long time.

I just saw them in Holland, where she and I did have a magical thing. Doing things we did. And what did she hafta say?

" I let you hold me even when we weren't together what. "

WTF.

What have I done?

Why all these shit?

Can anyone tell me where have I not done enough?

Argh.

Sigh.

FUCK.

I'm so fucking stupid.

Amanda, where are you? Where are you whom told me you loved me and never let go?

Help. Someone please. Help.


Help.

Tearing my hair out.

I'm feeling extremely, extremely unhappy. Angsty. Pissed pot!
And as usual, even my own solace here, I can't voice it.

I can't say it.

Arghhhhhhhhh.

Fuck.

I needa kill something.

Singapore Vs. China

Today's the day when Singapore plays against China.

We'll see what happens.

Sandwiched.

Fall out.

Oh fall out.

Cuz it's all so fucked up.

Since the last few days..

Life's been pretty eventful as of late. Even as I speak, i'm gearing to head towards Changi Airport to pick up China's national rugby team. Got woken from my sleep today by Aaron with him needing me to be the Liaison Officer for SRU. As I type this, I really hate to be late. Haha. Which I know I won't. Just detest that long ride from home all the way there. It's lonely. It's really getting lonely.

Talking about being woken up, yesterday went Mambo with the usual crowd. Things been a fad. Met Shir's new boy again. He's not too bad. Just perhaps bit gentle. A bit too gentle. But all's cool, got to know his friends and even his biological brother. All of em' bout my age. Yet kiddo in some sense, learning my nonsensical shit like my random 'meow meows' to building sandcastles(dicks) at the beach the other day. Oh ya, have I mentioned? I kinda enjoy playing volleyball again. Perhaps it's just a sports thing. I miss playing team ball sports.

Paid my school fees prior, feeling the pinch, even for my parents. It's so fucking outrageously expensive that it's a real pain the nuts.

As I was showering just now, getting ready to leave, I felt this sudden* sense of sadness, pangs of loneliness. I don't know why. Hah. I feel 'empty'.

* = well not really SUDDEN kinda sudden, it's been there all along. But today I was more aware of it.

I look around and I see no one.
I make a noise and no one hears.
I feel around and sense no warmth.
I inhale to realize it's cold damp air.
I scroll my phone to feel like calling no one.

I just sit.
I just sit tucked in.
Because I can clearly see all the emptiness around me.
Lonely space.

I just sit.
I just sit.

I hung on.

I ran through the cemetary to seek for you. That very you. Whom God hath claimed prematurely. In total darkness, where raised fingers cannot be sighted, I sighed. I ran about looking around, just for you. I huffed, I puffed. I still couldn't find you. Pitch dark, total darkness I ran. I saw those who lived till their hundredth, and those who lived only to a hundred days. Boys, girls, man, woman, all, lay still, as dead as the night.

I ran through graves from 1999 to 2004. Many times, twice or thrice. Only to find many of those leftover photos too familiar. I was like a farmer, ploughing the fields and planting the seeds, returning to check all was in place. But I was seeking. Looking for something. Relentless. Like the savaged beast I was. I needed to find you.

After sixty draining minutes, I continued. I felt despondent. I felt angst. I felt anxiety. I felt pathetic. Why?! Why could I not have found you?! My head dropped. Only for me to hold it up again. I cannot give up. No, not after promises made, and to make new ones to come. I covered the land again, going one by one, with every which I prayed for a sign. I was desperate, hoping for any sort of hope.

And then.

I found you.

Rest in peace.

I'd be back, as I promised.

Envy.

I simply envy my brother and sister-in-law. The way they simply work things out, no matter how difficult, and they just work it out.

Pardon my language and my grammar as I painstakingly type this all in a definite alcohol level failure.

Typical question to ask would be, " Would I ever get a girl like that? To hold to feel, and to understand?" No I don't give a fuck. Not that I don't, but simply I know I can't.

One day it would come. One day.

I know one day, those whom have dated and looked down on me would cry to come back. Or simply even think about the 'if onlys'.

But I never, never, never, want that to happen. No one should ever live with regrets, especially when it involves me.

I love you guys. I really do.

Just show me my deservedly love.

Peace out.

The World is my Oyster

I'm beginning to love life again. Yeah. Hur. Beginning to take joy in just hitting the gym, thank's to the ever inspiring Mr. Schwarzeneggar (bet many of you can't spell that), and just working and studying.

Looking forward to getting my pay and paying back debts. And then it's off to shopping at Adidas! Woot! A potential whooping discounts of at least 50%? Thanks to my dear friend Shirlene. Yes bitch, what would I do without you? ;) But not those gay photos k. Hahaha. You making all the girls avoid me. :P

Weight's maintaining, but tummy's gone down. Lost a size or two again. Not too bad, considering I've stopped using any thermogenics or ephedrine for more than 2 months. Only friend now is dear Whey Protein.

Syme my man, is really Syme my man. Touche.

Drinking's gonna go, for both of us, and it's been gone. Smoking, well, I only smoked 3 sticks today. And that was in the last 3 hours. Prior to that, none. Detox baby, detox.

Right now, it's just working towards Past Vs. Present Rugby match. And no baby I ain't gonna break nothing of my own.

I'm too cool for that.

What a fucking day.

I saw my good friend try to fuck around with my brother's ex.

I saw A* and got fucked in the head.

And what's more, I saw T* and her bf.

And she knew I saw her, as she turned away.

She still hates me.

God help me.

Too much to take. Too little to fake.

I feel a void, I feel empty.

Someone show me some love PLEASE.

Fuck.

St Stupid.

Han, you're either so terribly stupidly nobel or simply painfully a stupid piece a shit. You are a dumb ass yer know that?

Time and time again you let it happen to yourself.

Why? You don't really love her anymore do you?

Was it just based on memories or what? Oh come on now, fuck that shit.

Snap outta it you piece of fat shit. Really now. It's beginning to piss yourself off again.

For someone who left you behind.

And yes, left behind.

So you better wake up yer fucking idea before I crush yer nuts!

Fever.

I'm running a temperature of 39.5 degrees. Thank God it ain't >40 degrees or I can say goodbye to my muscles and brain.

It still ain't going down.

It still ain't.

It still ain't.

Hardened Cough.

Been coughing like a lil bitch today. Must had gotten it from Syme when his salivate went into my food. Not as if he did it on purpose. But one must watch certain things, especially if it's unnecessary.

Proud of Lutfiah for running 3.2km. Damn. That was good.

Had a lil sprint session with Mr Pandey and boy he was fast. Honest. At least same pace. Just that he didn't had the lungs to continue. Got my friend, a Sprint Coach, to assess my technique and stuff so that I could improve. Simply told me I tried too hard when sprinting, I should take it easier. I know it's true. But honestly, I don't know how to take it easy when running. I'm moulded this way by my sport. Argh.

Did a lil gym right after, we headed to SRU with Shirlene. Collected her cheque, listened to Aaron's bull (as usual!), and saw how stressed Sam was. But as usual, he conquered the day, calm and collected.

After which we indulged in a bit of pasar malam food which totally encouraged this bitchass cough till now. Sat in the middle of nowhere and started eating in front of people. Kinda beginning to think, am I a typical loser who thinks too much? Or are there really girls who'd check me out? Help me. Lemme know. I appreciate attention just to claim self-worth.

Passed A our bag for her Phuket trip. Too much to say, too lil that I would bother saying. I don't know what's going on, but I feel nothing will ever go on again. There was still reaction created outta me when she teared, but it didn't hurt or bother me as much as it used to be. I feel so, numb to all of it. Not that I don't care, perhaps just that I react differently now.

Her friends probably, from her own confession, think i'm that piece'a shit asshole who went around trying to hit on girls. My friends, especially those who are always around me, would know better. Whatever she did, she knows. Those who needa know, knows. I don't wanna talk about it, nor share it. Too uncool.

I believe we all make mistakes.
And we get to keep our little secrets.
Which I should start sometime soon.

If I ever have anything to hide.

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Are you lonesome tonight,
Do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Does your memory stray to a brighter sunny day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?
Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare?
Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

I wonder if you're lonesome tonight
You know someone said that the world's a stage
And each must play a part.
Fate had me playing in love with you as my sweet heart.
Act one was when we met, I loved you at first glance
You read your line so cleverly and never missed a cue
Then came act two, you seemed to change and you acted strange
And why I'll never know.
Honey, you lied when you said you loved me
And I had no cause to doubt you.
But I'd rather go on hearing your lies
Than go on living without you.
Now the stage is bare and I'm standing there
With emptiness all around
And if you wont come back to me
Then make them bring the curtain down.

Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Speech(less)

Some things I still wanna talk about, but I shouldn't.

And I really can't be fucking bothered.

Too tired, though it still gets a reaction outta me.

The real not too good reaction.

But i'm very grateful to those around me.

At least you people won't wrong me.

And Lutfiah, you're definitely one of my greatest friends. Stay strong. *hugs* We still hafta watch Parrots of the Currybean ya? ;)

Get out of my life.

I've learnt this tip from someone by the name of T.

Just when you thought you have made the best, most beautiful and appropriate ending to something that matters to you most, think again.

Someone just has to come back to spoil it all and make sure you suffer for it. Make sure you pay for that mistake. Remind you of how lousy you are. Stamp on your head as you fall. Take a swipe at your feet to make sure you stay down.

If I was a kid, I would grow to hate that someone. Unfortunately, i'm too fucking old for this fucking shit. I choose to forgive, and then forget. Eradicate.

I won't hate you for spoiling it all. For all that you have done. Neither would you, because you're too high and mighty to do that. And I won't either. I'm too good for that.

Now, with this even stronger resolution of being accused of things that I'd never done and also fed up of being nice, let's hear it Han, " fuck this shit! "

Get out of my life. Get out of my mind. Get out of my heart.

I won't hate you. I will forgive you. I won't remember you. I will forget us because of you.

There you go.

Wet.

It rained heavily today.

Heavily.

I guess it won't ever rain again.

In a blink.

Last few days news came about.

1) Shoulder observations by dear Dr Chan, my classmate, states that I would most probably have to go for another MRI. And that owing to the reason that it probably didn't heal properly and I, yes, have to go for another shoulder arthroscopy.

2) And no, I've decided not to get it down simply because of the costs. And I don't wanna take the chance of being outta exercise for another year. Financial questions as well.

3) Worked in Sentosa today, and it was simply FUNtastic. Had gotten to know this shy and nice girl who's 2 years of my senior. After work, we went to the Carlsberg Sky Tower. After which we went to play some Luge. Yes Luge. Fantastic. It was fun all over the place. All corporate complimentary tickets which we got to enjoy :) And there was also free tickets, tonnes in fact, for the Underwater World, which I decided to skip as Eugene was waiting for me. So had to turn them down. Pretty nice bunch cept of this guy who kept saying I was fat. Haha. I don't give a shit honestly. Too bad didn't get to talk to her as much though. Seemed like a nice girl. New friends is my thing right now. Nothing more. Probably would work with her for another event thingy come end of June.

4) FA Cup was rubbish. Seeing Chelsea win it. But it seemed pretty worthless. Honestly.

5) Finally got to catch up with Jon. Kinda hoped that I slapped some sense into him. Gave him the encouragement I gave myself a while ago. To rid all that shit that was going inside of me. Hope he gets touched by Him again, and guide him into light again.

6) Done something wrong again. Argh.

Suppression.

I don't know whether holding it back is good or not.

But well, at least it's working for now.

Focus on today. Dedicate only 10% for past and future.

90% on today.

90% on today.

90% on today.

At least till after the exams.

Such mental turmoil.

And yes, I asked for it.

To whom it may concern.

I don't need you anymore.

And i'm glad for that.

:)

Talent is Never Enough

Reading hasn't been so fun and interesting, that it's keeping me up and wanting to read more.
Other than the book How Football Changed The World, I haven't been really interested to reach much. Never had been much of a books person.

But Talent is Never Enough is a powerful book. It's energizing me.

Daer Haelveny Ftaher,

Pasele besls Aanmda and let her be hpapy.
Besls all my fiernds too.
Let tehm be of good hlaeth and paece.
Garnt me srentgh and wdisom.
I sbuimt mselyf to you.

In yuor Haelveny Nmae I ask,
Amen.

Maybe she's born with it.

I tell you, the funniest thing is to read a blog that you shouldn't had discovered.

HAHA.

:D

"If it makes no dollars, it makes no sense"

Tried food without taste?
No matter how much stuff you put in them?
Especially from your usual favorite stall?
Your same fancied food?

Ever felt that smoking didn't do it for you anymore?
That each puff you inhaled made you sicker without stimulance?
And each shape just seemed to fog your mind from the present for the past?

Forget the "oh i miss her so much" shit.
Cuz I just do.
Don't even need to say it.

Now I know how Adam felt when his rib was removed.
But for me, I never got to see it again.

And if, *** WARNING: Emo Signs Ahead***, ever necessary, let her know I love her so.

Blacks RFC training.

Yesterday, went out with Jeremy, Chunkiat and Zhong to this real gayass place called Miss Clarity's Cafe. As usual, Jon was absent. It's not a bad a place especially when their Ben & Jerry's only $10 a pint. But damn, the layout of the place, felt like some Happy House shit to me man. But nonetheless, it was cool to meet up with the dudes from class back in J1 before retain.

Bought a book at Border's, thanks to Jeremy's 35% discount. It's titled Talent is Never Enough. Good enough motivation from the title for someone like me. Flipped through it, seemed great, bought it at $16. I hafta say it's probably the first time I'd ever bought a book for myself other than the whole Lord of The Rings series which is still untouched. That stuff in the book is cool. Probably add some interesting stuff I read in it here some time.

Went for Blacks training today, as usual, lack of fitness. Haha. But it was great. Getting in touch with the sport again. No injuries today. Just hard running and touch rugby. I ain't fit, not even close, but whilst during touch, I ran my knockers off. It was great. Fumbled quite a lot which was bad. Could had always used excuses like injury and long layoff from the game caused it but hey, a mistake is a mistake. Especially mistakes. Scored a lucky try. Could had a couple more, but damn, it was enough. Felt the high. It's still the passion in my life. Perhaps explains all my shitass mood and depressive pent up anger due to me not being able to play since last October. If only someone could understand that.

I feel the burning within that's been pretty on and off in me again. I wanna set my life straight. With or without someone. It has been eating into me quite a bit, and I'd been fucking up my life pretty much for the last couple of months. Failing exams, skipping coaching sessions and sleeping in class. It's not good. This ain't me. And it definitely ain't what I want. I need to sort this fucking head of my once again.

Can be done. Will be done.

Saw A in church today. I bet anyone can guess how I'd feel. It's such desolation. Grief. Bereavement. Words of sorrow that has long imbued in me. But leaving straight after church, not letting her see me is perhaps the best way. For either of us. It's pretty drama and gay. But hey, whatever works. It's sad that I don't sit beside her anymore.

Wished Auntie Nancy Happy Mother's Day today. Via sms of course. She was saying she hasn't really seem me these days and kinda hoped that all would be fine for me. It felt nice. She praying that it wasn't too stressful in school for me or anything. I liked A's parents. Always nice to me. And I in turn, do try to be nice to them. Oh well, sorry, but I still can't get over it. I miss them. I miss her family. I miss her. But I know, somehow, deep within, it's really really really over this time round.

Hope she'd be happy. That's all that matters, right?

Final Word?

And now I know.

It's no more.

Goodbye my lover,
Goodbye my friend.
You were the one,
you were the one for me.

Why?

People ask me to move on. I know I will. At least try. But more often or not, they question WHY? Why be a lovelorn? Especially for A? After all I have done, good or bad, and what she has or has never done, why?

I want to express first and foremost, I've lost someone whom I truly loved before her. And I never got the chance to find out how much I loved T till the day she drove away. As for A, precisely I didn't want that to happen since the beginning! Who would want to get together to break up? What's the point? I look at all relationships long term. I ain't coming into the shack to look for a goodtime. I look at a potential spouse. To a fiercer extent, I look at a potential mother of my kids. I please her parents. Never did that for T. I buy A stuff. Same, never for T. Nevermind about the wine and dine too. Nonetheless, I have my flaws. I do wrong things, stupid things that hurt A, which eventually came back to hurt me.

I include A in my prayers ever since we got together, even till now. Thanking Him for her. And now, hoping that she be happy. I ain't acting noble. To be honest, I still feel unjust regarding that Mr D. of hers. But hey, be a sport and stop whining! I've lost. All's never fair in love and war. Guess I just couldn't and didn't play my cards right.

I'd just at least for now, steer clear of her. Lest I break down and cry like a little bitch that I hope not to show the world. But I would be there for her as long as she wants me to. The very first words I wrote on her palm when we got together 1st January 2006. In that very bus 75 at 6:50PM off Esplanade.

And I would still continue to visit Ally's grave whenever I'm free. Keep A's picture in my wallet till it's really time to remove it. And her photo in my phone when the time is right.

But she'd always have that special space in my heart that no one can replace. I swear.

Neural, Cardio, Pulmonary

Firstly, why the bitchass name Neuralcardiopulmonary? I mean, what the hell is this all about? Yes, I'd been pretty engaged in my area of studies, the human body.

Neural simply refers the brain, or encephalon (Greek for "in the head"). This refers to the rationale of my blog, involving moments of reason and pragmatism. We all need a clear head at all times don't we? Well I try at least.

Cardio can also be known as cardiac or heart. Matters of the heart? Not totally true. But our personal emotions, or rather my own. Somethings we don't say or decide things clearly with our logic or wisdom, but with our emotions, straight from our heart. Our emotions overwhelm us to the point that we would experience a rush, where we fail to think before we act. But sometimes we do need to act before we can think.

Pulmonary refers to the lung system. Basically breathing in simple terms. Used symbolically because even with our brains and hearts need a support system to work well. And though I do not know how many people would end up reading my blog, but you people are my air. To give me that inspiration to understand, or even fart if you have to. Let me know, what's been right, wrong or simply your comments.

Therefore I hereby declare that as much as I want to be reasonable, clear and pragmatic in my blogging, please take it not totally literal or figurative as some thoughts of mine would more than often be impulsive or heartfelt. I need feedback from people, to let me grow and improve as a person.

A Midsummer Night's Dream

The play wasn't fantastic
The food wasn't great
The wine wasn't cold enough
But having you there, it was magical.

Went to Singapore Repertoire Theatre's A Midsummer Night's Dream with A. It was great. Simply because it was with her. All the beautiful things came together, we respected each other, no kissy suck face shit. But hey, it was helluva night.

I'm still jealous. By phonecalls and stuff. Yes, they prob be from normal friends. But it could be from him. But I just tell myself, hey, it could really just be friends. Trust her. Trust her. TRUST HER.

That's all that matters, doesn't it?

Afresh.

No matter how hard you try, whether it be "the beginning of the end" or "the end of the beginning", it sounds like the end.

So let's just start afresh. Start afresh in this place. In a world of my own. This is probably the 4th or 5th blog I'd ever had in life. The last one last updated probably 2 years ago.

This will be my little secret garden. If you read this, you must be a real great friend of mine to have a view in my really dark little world, my dark secrets. Perhaps not the darkest. But dark enough.