Time to train.

Come July 14th.

Pioneer Junior College Past Vs Present.

I'm totally not worried about who my teammates are, because I'm confident in myself and the others.

It's time to layeth the smack down.

Rage.

Elvis' Are You Lonesome Tonight keeps repeating in my head. And I had it repeated relentlessly in Eugene's car. Even a night at Labrador Park isn't doing it's wonders at all.

To look at it, rage is but a stupid and silly thing. Especially when other emotions come into play, you're just a walking time bomb.

I've learn that even till now, Amanda still taunts me with her messages. And yes, she did succeed. But not to any optimal value. It bugged me, and haunted me. Made me fill with grief rather than rage. It's sad things had to come to such a state. But I guess, she really ain't the one that I thought that she really was.

I've got too much on my plate now, to just even bother what had gone on. My cable's gonna be cut, the channels on TV are all gone. And now, I hafta worry on payment of my insurance monthly. And the same penultimate question again, can I even finish school?

Though everyone's quite worried about money, especially in Singapore, i'm worried about it not because I want a car or to go out with my friends, but simply to carry on with life here. That's why, if I could, I would get outta here.

When was the last time you sat with a friend at a park just to talk?

When did you last went for a quiet stroll with your partner/spouse?

When did you last enjoyed hawkerfare with your loved ones?

When was it just cool to just take it easy, and stay home watching tele with your friends?

People nowadays choose their pubs for drinks, cafes for coffee and even restaurant class joints for dinner. No one has time for no money anymore.

And yes, money is still weighing very much on my mind. I need a new job. Nevermind your passion, if you're starving.

*just a little something to document as i remove it from my Friendster account

Twisted dreams and twisted minds,Committed I have, of passionate crimes
Lies that lieds, tears that cried

Only got me into a fight
Trust I had, thrust you got
Do you really believe in God?

Tell me you love me, even when you don't
You were his, and sat his bone

The world's a stage, and we; it's players
And it wasn't me who played love's traitor
Stories you made, tales you fabled
Told to your friends, made me an asshole

Clarify myself I must,
But not to them, but them who trust
I saw an angel, till she showed her dangles

Treacherous I knew not, till you shielded him as he hit you
It seemed like me, it always did
It's always my honesty, you never greet
I thought our love was explained by how our hands fit,
Now you tell me it's just the guys you meet.

Sigh.

The Light.

I have an anger issue. You have an issue.

I just found out that you lied. After confronting you last night, you still said you weren't with him. But according to him, you were with him already.

You told me he had a backache therefore holding him, but he held you because you were his.

You told him I dumped you, but the truth is you dumped me.

I never got the truth out of you.

Who knows whether you even loved me.

I don't need to know. Because you ain't the one I love.

Sleepless

It's too much pain to fall asleep.

And i'm sounding like an emo again.

Fuck.

Argh. Where's everything that was sweet?

And the things that were to be right?

Let me forget.

Because the pain isn't bearable.

Because.

I still care?

Oh fuck.

FUCK.

Goodbye Amanda.

Beaten.

As I was out with my friends for a meet up after years, I saw Amanda and David holding each other.

I was shattered.

Trembling with grief and anger.

I approached them and called out to her.

He left.

She gave me her typical excuses and reasons.

I asked her, " are you with him? "

She said no.

I called her to call him to come.

I knew he was apprehensive but he came.

Wham. I hit him. And he came.

All along, she kept telling me to stop. Even as I did being held by her. I felt safe. But he wasn't showing the same feelings. I wanted to hit him, I saw her in the way, I pulled back my punches, literally. He punched me irregardlessly. She said," Han! Please stop! "

I'm like, stop what?

Taunts came and go, I carried on with the fight as our momentary pause was killed by him. He pushed her to the side. Which enraged me further. I threw him off too. And then he asked whether she was alright. WTF.

YOU FUCKING SHOVED HER AND YOU ACT LIKE THAT?!?!?!

I bet she thinks it was me anyway. I'm hurt and disappointed. True enough my hot headedness has gotten the better of me. But I was never, NEVER, NEVER, given the benefit of the doubt from her.

I left.

Last I heard, he became her boyfriend after we broke up.

That's not what she said, is it?

As I type, my keyboard's flooded with my tears. I'm so fucking hurt.

2 days ago, on a Sunday, 17th June, I celebrated her birthday with her. I got her a present which I spent days on, and even on the last day, I skipped sleep just to do it. That newspaper cutting, which I made into a booklet with a gift from her. Brought her parents out, and spent whatever money I've scrimped so far just to get all these done. I'm stupid I know, stop reminding me. But I did it. I love her. So much.

Or rather, the Amanda whom I thought I knew.

Fuck. I'd never hit anyone since a long time.

I just saw them in Holland, where she and I did have a magical thing. Doing things we did. And what did she hafta say?

" I let you hold me even when we weren't together what. "

WTF.

What have I done?

Why all these shit?

Can anyone tell me where have I not done enough?

Argh.

Sigh.

FUCK.

I'm so fucking stupid.

Amanda, where are you? Where are you whom told me you loved me and never let go?

Help. Someone please. Help.


Help.

Tearing my hair out.

I'm feeling extremely, extremely unhappy. Angsty. Pissed pot!
And as usual, even my own solace here, I can't voice it.

I can't say it.

Arghhhhhhhhh.

Fuck.

I needa kill something.

Singapore Vs. China

Today's the day when Singapore plays against China.

We'll see what happens.

Sandwiched.

Fall out.

Oh fall out.

Cuz it's all so fucked up.

Since the last few days..

Life's been pretty eventful as of late. Even as I speak, i'm gearing to head towards Changi Airport to pick up China's national rugby team. Got woken from my sleep today by Aaron with him needing me to be the Liaison Officer for SRU. As I type this, I really hate to be late. Haha. Which I know I won't. Just detest that long ride from home all the way there. It's lonely. It's really getting lonely.

Talking about being woken up, yesterday went Mambo with the usual crowd. Things been a fad. Met Shir's new boy again. He's not too bad. Just perhaps bit gentle. A bit too gentle. But all's cool, got to know his friends and even his biological brother. All of em' bout my age. Yet kiddo in some sense, learning my nonsensical shit like my random 'meow meows' to building sandcastles(dicks) at the beach the other day. Oh ya, have I mentioned? I kinda enjoy playing volleyball again. Perhaps it's just a sports thing. I miss playing team ball sports.

Paid my school fees prior, feeling the pinch, even for my parents. It's so fucking outrageously expensive that it's a real pain the nuts.

As I was showering just now, getting ready to leave, I felt this sudden* sense of sadness, pangs of loneliness. I don't know why. Hah. I feel 'empty'.

* = well not really SUDDEN kinda sudden, it's been there all along. But today I was more aware of it.

I look around and I see no one.
I make a noise and no one hears.
I feel around and sense no warmth.
I inhale to realize it's cold damp air.
I scroll my phone to feel like calling no one.

I just sit.
I just sit tucked in.
Because I can clearly see all the emptiness around me.
Lonely space.

I just sit.
I just sit.

I hung on.

I ran through the cemetary to seek for you. That very you. Whom God hath claimed prematurely. In total darkness, where raised fingers cannot be sighted, I sighed. I ran about looking around, just for you. I huffed, I puffed. I still couldn't find you. Pitch dark, total darkness I ran. I saw those who lived till their hundredth, and those who lived only to a hundred days. Boys, girls, man, woman, all, lay still, as dead as the night.

I ran through graves from 1999 to 2004. Many times, twice or thrice. Only to find many of those leftover photos too familiar. I was like a farmer, ploughing the fields and planting the seeds, returning to check all was in place. But I was seeking. Looking for something. Relentless. Like the savaged beast I was. I needed to find you.

After sixty draining minutes, I continued. I felt despondent. I felt angst. I felt anxiety. I felt pathetic. Why?! Why could I not have found you?! My head dropped. Only for me to hold it up again. I cannot give up. No, not after promises made, and to make new ones to come. I covered the land again, going one by one, with every which I prayed for a sign. I was desperate, hoping for any sort of hope.

And then.

I found you.

Rest in peace.

I'd be back, as I promised.

Envy.

I simply envy my brother and sister-in-law. The way they simply work things out, no matter how difficult, and they just work it out.

Pardon my language and my grammar as I painstakingly type this all in a definite alcohol level failure.

Typical question to ask would be, " Would I ever get a girl like that? To hold to feel, and to understand?" No I don't give a fuck. Not that I don't, but simply I know I can't.

One day it would come. One day.

I know one day, those whom have dated and looked down on me would cry to come back. Or simply even think about the 'if onlys'.

But I never, never, never, want that to happen. No one should ever live with regrets, especially when it involves me.

I love you guys. I really do.

Just show me my deservedly love.

Peace out.

The World is my Oyster

I'm beginning to love life again. Yeah. Hur. Beginning to take joy in just hitting the gym, thank's to the ever inspiring Mr. Schwarzeneggar (bet many of you can't spell that), and just working and studying.

Looking forward to getting my pay and paying back debts. And then it's off to shopping at Adidas! Woot! A potential whooping discounts of at least 50%? Thanks to my dear friend Shirlene. Yes bitch, what would I do without you? ;) But not those gay photos k. Hahaha. You making all the girls avoid me. :P

Weight's maintaining, but tummy's gone down. Lost a size or two again. Not too bad, considering I've stopped using any thermogenics or ephedrine for more than 2 months. Only friend now is dear Whey Protein.

Syme my man, is really Syme my man. Touche.

Drinking's gonna go, for both of us, and it's been gone. Smoking, well, I only smoked 3 sticks today. And that was in the last 3 hours. Prior to that, none. Detox baby, detox.

Right now, it's just working towards Past Vs. Present Rugby match. And no baby I ain't gonna break nothing of my own.

I'm too cool for that.

What a fucking day.

I saw my good friend try to fuck around with my brother's ex.

I saw A* and got fucked in the head.

And what's more, I saw T* and her bf.

And she knew I saw her, as she turned away.

She still hates me.

God help me.

Too much to take. Too little to fake.

I feel a void, I feel empty.

Someone show me some love PLEASE.

Fuck.