:)

All's good in the hood.

:)

Shadows of my Heart

Shadow shadow, wherefore are thou?
I seek not of thee, thee who locks me not free.
Shadow shadow, wherefore art thee?
You taketh form of me, locking me be.

You take me now, you raise my brow,
I'd rather be killed by a cow.
You take me now, you bumped the cow,
My head's rather, severed now.

Heart, heart of mine,
when would my love be fine?
Heart, heart of mine,
Have you taken my chances be thine?

Abreast, my courage, abreast.
Is this but of God's test?
Abreast, my courage, take test.
Leave if you have, but be blessed.


Sigh.

You.

Stop being so unfair. Stop screwing up my head again as I was ready to let go. Ready to forget. I should really stop letting you do this to me.

What's the point? There is no future in us. That's what you showed me. Then why?

Then why persist?





More truth to come I would say.

For the last few days...

I haven't been able to update for the last couple of days simply due to me having not much Internet connection. It really, really fucking sucks. I'm sick and fucking tired, honestly, of everything and everyone around me. No, not all, but a lot of people. I've come to a point that I really don't wanna get involved with your shit. Call me selfish cuz I really have too much in head that's really mindfucking me now, namely from you know who.

But good on me, that I continued to blog even without the forsaken fucking Internet connections in MS Word which now I would simply copy and paste here.

July 11th

Today sucked cuz it’s one of the worst days I’d ever had.
First, I saw A* with her beau just outta her house in her typical just made out hair do and behaviour. Was angry/sad/disappointed, but gave up on all those emotions simply cuz I take her as someone I no longer know.

Then at Blacks training, I was pinpointed as the most useless person. Am I sensitive? I got fucked with the most push ups even though I completed the fitness training without being the last person to come in, and NEVER got a chance to train as part of the team for the sevens competition. Even the LOUSIEST guy who skipped fitness and fucked up the passes had a go. WTF.

Rushed home to club with Gene and Cindy, saw drunken Shirlene. Fair enough. Then when I was at the toilet of Zouk, I bumped, literally physically bumped into Teresa. I immediately turned after saying sorry to her lest her beau got insecure all over me. I immediately tried to walk outta the club to avoid an otherwise awkward scene. Soon after, Gene boy came out to tell me that she seemed sad/despondent/weeping and hugging her friend after seeing me. Don’t really know if that really helped.

Ya, they all react so sad and feel so bad for what they did. But if so, why did they do it in the first place? And why do they CONTINUE DOING SO?

Am I really that badass fucked up?
Ugh. Tell me please.

July 14th

This is day of Past Vs Present. Got there in the morning at about 7:45am to realize that the games been pushed back an hour and fourty five minutes. Shame on you Hannah. Nonetheless, had a fantastic time with the chaps since we all graduated and that all of them had been well. Bo Wen’s grown fat, and Eugene/Caine/Marc all’s been the same.

Played a total of 4 games, in which the seniors(that is us), won 3 and drew one, with a little help from Kwok. Realized how times have caught up with us, and we were no longer the young punks anymore. Scored a couple of tries, namely at least one in every match myself, and played my heart out. Fitness is definitely not there. Note to self yeah.

After which I was late for work because of the games. A* came to talk to me. Supposedly needed to talk. As usual. Emotions ran and tempers flew only to realize, well, I still give a big shit about her. Had really wanted to tell her that I could forgive all that and forget, but I couldn’t bring myself too. I couldn’t bring myself to always give in to her. I do. But I ain’t telling.

Ended up realizing that her parents, her mom namely, instructed her to TOTALLY stop contacting me, even for a while. Am I that bad? I can’t care. She help my hands so tight, she would really never would had let go.If only she had done that months ago and not deleted that testimonial from Friendster which she deleted. The one where she said “(she) would never let go of my hands ever”. If only. Sigh.

Had a bad day at work cuz I was late and all were giving me attitude from the Union. Malcolm had told me to stack em all chairs on top and Sam had other plans. Told me to leave. Fuck. Don’t get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for Sam but honestly, ask me to leave? Damn be it.

Met up with Syme my man and little Gene boy thereafter for some pizza. Simply cuz I hadn’t eaten since 6am till 8+pm. DAMN!

Got a call from her at about 10:50pm. She said,” IF(a very big IF), that we were ever to have a future again, I won’t wanna share you at all.” I told her I was always fully for her. Just that she never wanted me. But once again, I talked to her in a soft voice Han would offer only to Amanda. WHY? I don’t know. Told her I won’t share her with anyone. Especially not with another guy. Friends fine.

I don’t know. I don’t really see a future though I would love to. Simply cuz things have gotten so outta hand that it seems doomed. Don’t get me wrong, I still love Amanda. But I love the one who once held my hand and told me she would never let go. Sigh. It blows. Why must she continue, even till this stage, that she must take things in her own way? Has she not learnt that THOUGHTS must be SPARE for ME? I don’t know. Regarding David, I still think he’s a twit. Always have, always will. If not him, someone else would take that place.

Fidelity people, fidelity. Loyalty to your partner is the only I look for in this world. Is it that hard? If a guy like me can do it, why can’t a girl?

I gave my best. I did.

July 15th
It was celebrations for Lutfiah’s birthday today. All surprises were killed. And I’m ass tired right now at 3:10am.

Basically we went to the beach which made me think of A*. And then Vivo which made me think of A*. Couldn’t let it out cuz I didn’t wanna kill anyone’s mood.

We did some stupid videos which I hope to post real soon.

Met some drunk indian who offered me a job cuz I was obnoxious, loud and had an attitude. Bought food and drinks, mainly alcoholic ones, which totalled to a few hundred bucks just to us.

Got me a mega buzz, which was added to my meeting with Syme. With a couple of beers.

I’m getting excited and tired of life.

How ironic. How it is.

Off to bed.

With a heartache.

And now on 16th July, i'm getting ready to meet Syme to head to school. I honestly ain't feeling the greatest in the world for the last couple of days. Even though those brief rugby games did make me feel like the champ again, made me feel like the best again, it all just made me empty again when it did stop. Something's missing within me. Or someone.

Note it like Oprah.

Oprah Winfrey has a habit of keeping track 5 things that she is thankful for in the day, and 5 things that could had been better.

Here is mine.

Thankful for...

1.Benching 110Kg w/o breaking my shoulder
2.Came out of training w/o injury
3.Wisdom from God
4.Deleting a certain someone from my friendster
5.Having enough water to drink


Things that could had been better...

1.Not being left out in training due to lousy fitness
2.Dizziness always during training
3.Seeing him and her doing their kissy suck face outside her house
4.Thinking that it was special between us, seems like everyone can have a go
5.Fucking shaky wisdom tooth causing me unable to eat at all

And now i'm off to Zouk.

Ponder wonder.

I really wonder if, I really did all those 'nice' things as my friendster testimonials say. Honestly. Is it because i'm single in profile, that those people start being nicer? I mean, come on now, I still treat all of them the same, regardless be it guys or girls. I'm still the same guy. Though it's real nice that people talk good about me, show me some sort of attention, but I don't know. It seems to paint a misleading picture about me, seemingly so promiscuous. Argh.

My msn nick is, to err, is to man does. If you read it real fast, who's name does it sound like? Sigh. So far only Charis figured out what i'm saying. Perhaps A would never know. No no, not perhaps, I know she would never know.

I'm a man of words, be it when it counts or when it doesn't. But some people just pay attention to things that they are oh so interested. I guess, literary wit is honestly for oneself to partake.

No doubt, she is keeping me awake. Instilled into every thought in my mind, sapping on my energy. I want to sleep. Yet I don't dare to sleep? Insomnia caused by what? After reading up rubbish on the Net, my self analysis is that I don't dare to sleep due to recurrent dreams of her. All of which are bittersweet.

Do I want to see her again in a beautiful dream? Yes and no.

Why? Because I became so emotionally frail that I wake in a pool of tears.

I haven't really slept in 3 days because of that. Only those 2 hr naps in the noon, oh, were they naps? I don't know. I just fell and woke up.

Baby come back...

Sleeplessness.

I can't believe I still miss you so much.

I still dream the impossible.

Sigh.

Fever beaver.

It sucks to always fall sick. Well, I guess technically it's not always. Since I have yet to recover. Everytime i'm close to recovery, something new strikes me again. Queer. Just like in JC days. When I had infected blood.

Ever thought of someone whom you should had never thought about ever again? I am. Every single moment now. It's not that I want to, or actually don't want to. I don't know. It ain't right. Even after lotsa drama that's not very positive, you start to think about the beautiful and magical stuff that happens. But it's a vicious cycle really, cuz when you do ponder upon those nice thoughts, what hurtful things people say to you, overthrows all of it. Especially when they told you they loved you outta sympathy, and that you were pathetic, never to get a girl, and worst of all, they admit that it wasn't a particular moment BOTH of you shared. But with anyone else who came along. It madness really.

As I squint and struggle to type in this slow computer due to the fever feeding me with pangs of headache, the pain in the heart is by the gnawing of my memories.

Rhetorical questions and existentialistic shits come into my head, the what ifs and the whys. Honestly dude, it doesn't matter. Cuz it has all happened.

Like Samm said, see what happens in Darwin. Yeah we shall see. But I honestly think it no longer concerns my ass anymore. Even if I do bother with it, sorry, Han ain't no longer in the picture anymore babe. It's either that skinny faggot or someone else. Han never seem to be all that already.

Why can't she just take it in? Like I always had. Perhaps explains the unexplainable behaviour of raising my fists. But I had always taken it in for the greater good. Tolerance. Give and take. Where are those values anymore? Have I caused a greater BAD? Apparently he's got issues and treats her like dump, and she crawls back to em. What about Han? Regardless of those times i'm out with my friends and stuff, once she calls, I was there.

I'd always be here for you if you want me to.

I chose my words carefully before I offered it to her. Did she really think about what I said? I'm ALWAYS there.
It's really just a matter whether she wants me to be there. Comprehend?

And yet I always get the blame. I would love to always see her good side and her good side only. But right now
I bet my ass they have already made up and holding each other looking at the stars.

Something that I once enjoyed.

Sigh. 

A Night Less Lit

The harshest heat in the darkness night,
Brings on angst that does do no fright.
A jagged edge, a heartstring pull
All because, I'd been a fool

Heavy head, old stupid begs
Trudging through life, trudging legs
An armour built so strong to shield me through
Blocks everything from me, such a night so cruel

I'd always offered the best, have i not yet?
But the best denies me, best am i not fed
Solitude solicits me in shambling shame
Out was the anger, that was once tamed

Thick thick lies in a thin thin relationship,
Chains of trust, thrusted, drowned, makes Titanic a dip.
Once ferocious love, turned to aggressive hate
I ain't hungry, but you filled my plate.

Side stepped problems, and slapped my own face
Robbed was I, by you, till now, no trace
Tried discovering, investigate and track
Of truths of deceit, that's now a fact

As I lay silently in whispers
My heart is solid, solidly in tatters
It's this end, somehow I'd not rather
I need trust in love, that's all that matters.