St Stupid.

Han, you're either so terribly stupidly nobel or simply painfully a stupid piece a shit. You are a dumb ass yer know that?

Time and time again you let it happen to yourself.

Why? You don't really love her anymore do you?

Was it just based on memories or what? Oh come on now, fuck that shit.

Snap outta it you piece of fat shit. Really now. It's beginning to piss yourself off again.

For someone who left you behind.

And yes, left behind.

So you better wake up yer fucking idea before I crush yer nuts!

Fever.

I'm running a temperature of 39.5 degrees. Thank God it ain't >40 degrees or I can say goodbye to my muscles and brain.

It still ain't going down.

It still ain't.

It still ain't.

Hardened Cough.

Been coughing like a lil bitch today. Must had gotten it from Syme when his salivate went into my food. Not as if he did it on purpose. But one must watch certain things, especially if it's unnecessary.

Proud of Lutfiah for running 3.2km. Damn. That was good.

Had a lil sprint session with Mr Pandey and boy he was fast. Honest. At least same pace. Just that he didn't had the lungs to continue. Got my friend, a Sprint Coach, to assess my technique and stuff so that I could improve. Simply told me I tried too hard when sprinting, I should take it easier. I know it's true. But honestly, I don't know how to take it easy when running. I'm moulded this way by my sport. Argh.

Did a lil gym right after, we headed to SRU with Shirlene. Collected her cheque, listened to Aaron's bull (as usual!), and saw how stressed Sam was. But as usual, he conquered the day, calm and collected.

After which we indulged in a bit of pasar malam food which totally encouraged this bitchass cough till now. Sat in the middle of nowhere and started eating in front of people. Kinda beginning to think, am I a typical loser who thinks too much? Or are there really girls who'd check me out? Help me. Lemme know. I appreciate attention just to claim self-worth.

Passed A our bag for her Phuket trip. Too much to say, too lil that I would bother saying. I don't know what's going on, but I feel nothing will ever go on again. There was still reaction created outta me when she teared, but it didn't hurt or bother me as much as it used to be. I feel so, numb to all of it. Not that I don't care, perhaps just that I react differently now.

Her friends probably, from her own confession, think i'm that piece'a shit asshole who went around trying to hit on girls. My friends, especially those who are always around me, would know better. Whatever she did, she knows. Those who needa know, knows. I don't wanna talk about it, nor share it. Too uncool.

I believe we all make mistakes.
And we get to keep our little secrets.
Which I should start sometime soon.

If I ever have anything to hide.

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Are you lonesome tonight,
Do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Does your memory stray to a brighter sunny day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?
Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare?
Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

I wonder if you're lonesome tonight
You know someone said that the world's a stage
And each must play a part.
Fate had me playing in love with you as my sweet heart.
Act one was when we met, I loved you at first glance
You read your line so cleverly and never missed a cue
Then came act two, you seemed to change and you acted strange
And why I'll never know.
Honey, you lied when you said you loved me
And I had no cause to doubt you.
But I'd rather go on hearing your lies
Than go on living without you.
Now the stage is bare and I'm standing there
With emptiness all around
And if you wont come back to me
Then make them bring the curtain down.

Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Speech(less)

Some things I still wanna talk about, but I shouldn't.

And I really can't be fucking bothered.

Too tired, though it still gets a reaction outta me.

The real not too good reaction.

But i'm very grateful to those around me.

At least you people won't wrong me.

And Lutfiah, you're definitely one of my greatest friends. Stay strong. *hugs* We still hafta watch Parrots of the Currybean ya? ;)

Get out of my life.

I've learnt this tip from someone by the name of T.

Just when you thought you have made the best, most beautiful and appropriate ending to something that matters to you most, think again.

Someone just has to come back to spoil it all and make sure you suffer for it. Make sure you pay for that mistake. Remind you of how lousy you are. Stamp on your head as you fall. Take a swipe at your feet to make sure you stay down.

If I was a kid, I would grow to hate that someone. Unfortunately, i'm too fucking old for this fucking shit. I choose to forgive, and then forget. Eradicate.

I won't hate you for spoiling it all. For all that you have done. Neither would you, because you're too high and mighty to do that. And I won't either. I'm too good for that.

Now, with this even stronger resolution of being accused of things that I'd never done and also fed up of being nice, let's hear it Han, " fuck this shit! "

Get out of my life. Get out of my mind. Get out of my heart.

I won't hate you. I will forgive you. I won't remember you. I will forget us because of you.

There you go.

Wet.

It rained heavily today.

Heavily.

I guess it won't ever rain again.

In a blink.

Last few days news came about.

1) Shoulder observations by dear Dr Chan, my classmate, states that I would most probably have to go for another MRI. And that owing to the reason that it probably didn't heal properly and I, yes, have to go for another shoulder arthroscopy.

2) And no, I've decided not to get it down simply because of the costs. And I don't wanna take the chance of being outta exercise for another year. Financial questions as well.

3) Worked in Sentosa today, and it was simply FUNtastic. Had gotten to know this shy and nice girl who's 2 years of my senior. After work, we went to the Carlsberg Sky Tower. After which we went to play some Luge. Yes Luge. Fantastic. It was fun all over the place. All corporate complimentary tickets which we got to enjoy :) And there was also free tickets, tonnes in fact, for the Underwater World, which I decided to skip as Eugene was waiting for me. So had to turn them down. Pretty nice bunch cept of this guy who kept saying I was fat. Haha. I don't give a shit honestly. Too bad didn't get to talk to her as much though. Seemed like a nice girl. New friends is my thing right now. Nothing more. Probably would work with her for another event thingy come end of June.

4) FA Cup was rubbish. Seeing Chelsea win it. But it seemed pretty worthless. Honestly.

5) Finally got to catch up with Jon. Kinda hoped that I slapped some sense into him. Gave him the encouragement I gave myself a while ago. To rid all that shit that was going inside of me. Hope he gets touched by Him again, and guide him into light again.

6) Done something wrong again. Argh.

Suppression.

I don't know whether holding it back is good or not.

But well, at least it's working for now.

Focus on today. Dedicate only 10% for past and future.

90% on today.

90% on today.

90% on today.

At least till after the exams.

Such mental turmoil.

And yes, I asked for it.

To whom it may concern.

I don't need you anymore.

And i'm glad for that.

:)

Talent is Never Enough

Reading hasn't been so fun and interesting, that it's keeping me up and wanting to read more.
Other than the book How Football Changed The World, I haven't been really interested to reach much. Never had been much of a books person.

But Talent is Never Enough is a powerful book. It's energizing me.

Daer Haelveny Ftaher,

Pasele besls Aanmda and let her be hpapy.
Besls all my fiernds too.
Let tehm be of good hlaeth and paece.
Garnt me srentgh and wdisom.
I sbuimt mselyf to you.

In yuor Haelveny Nmae I ask,
Amen.

Maybe she's born with it.

I tell you, the funniest thing is to read a blog that you shouldn't had discovered.

HAHA.

:D

"If it makes no dollars, it makes no sense"

Tried food without taste?
No matter how much stuff you put in them?
Especially from your usual favorite stall?
Your same fancied food?

Ever felt that smoking didn't do it for you anymore?
That each puff you inhaled made you sicker without stimulance?
And each shape just seemed to fog your mind from the present for the past?

Forget the "oh i miss her so much" shit.
Cuz I just do.
Don't even need to say it.

Now I know how Adam felt when his rib was removed.
But for me, I never got to see it again.

And if, *** WARNING: Emo Signs Ahead***, ever necessary, let her know I love her so.

Blacks RFC training.

Yesterday, went out with Jeremy, Chunkiat and Zhong to this real gayass place called Miss Clarity's Cafe. As usual, Jon was absent. It's not a bad a place especially when their Ben & Jerry's only $10 a pint. But damn, the layout of the place, felt like some Happy House shit to me man. But nonetheless, it was cool to meet up with the dudes from class back in J1 before retain.

Bought a book at Border's, thanks to Jeremy's 35% discount. It's titled Talent is Never Enough. Good enough motivation from the title for someone like me. Flipped through it, seemed great, bought it at $16. I hafta say it's probably the first time I'd ever bought a book for myself other than the whole Lord of The Rings series which is still untouched. That stuff in the book is cool. Probably add some interesting stuff I read in it here some time.

Went for Blacks training today, as usual, lack of fitness. Haha. But it was great. Getting in touch with the sport again. No injuries today. Just hard running and touch rugby. I ain't fit, not even close, but whilst during touch, I ran my knockers off. It was great. Fumbled quite a lot which was bad. Could had always used excuses like injury and long layoff from the game caused it but hey, a mistake is a mistake. Especially mistakes. Scored a lucky try. Could had a couple more, but damn, it was enough. Felt the high. It's still the passion in my life. Perhaps explains all my shitass mood and depressive pent up anger due to me not being able to play since last October. If only someone could understand that.

I feel the burning within that's been pretty on and off in me again. I wanna set my life straight. With or without someone. It has been eating into me quite a bit, and I'd been fucking up my life pretty much for the last couple of months. Failing exams, skipping coaching sessions and sleeping in class. It's not good. This ain't me. And it definitely ain't what I want. I need to sort this fucking head of my once again.

Can be done. Will be done.

Saw A in church today. I bet anyone can guess how I'd feel. It's such desolation. Grief. Bereavement. Words of sorrow that has long imbued in me. But leaving straight after church, not letting her see me is perhaps the best way. For either of us. It's pretty drama and gay. But hey, whatever works. It's sad that I don't sit beside her anymore.

Wished Auntie Nancy Happy Mother's Day today. Via sms of course. She was saying she hasn't really seem me these days and kinda hoped that all would be fine for me. It felt nice. She praying that it wasn't too stressful in school for me or anything. I liked A's parents. Always nice to me. And I in turn, do try to be nice to them. Oh well, sorry, but I still can't get over it. I miss them. I miss her family. I miss her. But I know, somehow, deep within, it's really really really over this time round.

Hope she'd be happy. That's all that matters, right?

Final Word?

And now I know.

It's no more.

Goodbye my lover,
Goodbye my friend.
You were the one,
you were the one for me.

Why?

People ask me to move on. I know I will. At least try. But more often or not, they question WHY? Why be a lovelorn? Especially for A? After all I have done, good or bad, and what she has or has never done, why?

I want to express first and foremost, I've lost someone whom I truly loved before her. And I never got the chance to find out how much I loved T till the day she drove away. As for A, precisely I didn't want that to happen since the beginning! Who would want to get together to break up? What's the point? I look at all relationships long term. I ain't coming into the shack to look for a goodtime. I look at a potential spouse. To a fiercer extent, I look at a potential mother of my kids. I please her parents. Never did that for T. I buy A stuff. Same, never for T. Nevermind about the wine and dine too. Nonetheless, I have my flaws. I do wrong things, stupid things that hurt A, which eventually came back to hurt me.

I include A in my prayers ever since we got together, even till now. Thanking Him for her. And now, hoping that she be happy. I ain't acting noble. To be honest, I still feel unjust regarding that Mr D. of hers. But hey, be a sport and stop whining! I've lost. All's never fair in love and war. Guess I just couldn't and didn't play my cards right.

I'd just at least for now, steer clear of her. Lest I break down and cry like a little bitch that I hope not to show the world. But I would be there for her as long as she wants me to. The very first words I wrote on her palm when we got together 1st January 2006. In that very bus 75 at 6:50PM off Esplanade.

And I would still continue to visit Ally's grave whenever I'm free. Keep A's picture in my wallet till it's really time to remove it. And her photo in my phone when the time is right.

But she'd always have that special space in my heart that no one can replace. I swear.

Neural, Cardio, Pulmonary

Firstly, why the bitchass name Neuralcardiopulmonary? I mean, what the hell is this all about? Yes, I'd been pretty engaged in my area of studies, the human body.

Neural simply refers the brain, or encephalon (Greek for "in the head"). This refers to the rationale of my blog, involving moments of reason and pragmatism. We all need a clear head at all times don't we? Well I try at least.

Cardio can also be known as cardiac or heart. Matters of the heart? Not totally true. But our personal emotions, or rather my own. Somethings we don't say or decide things clearly with our logic or wisdom, but with our emotions, straight from our heart. Our emotions overwhelm us to the point that we would experience a rush, where we fail to think before we act. But sometimes we do need to act before we can think.

Pulmonary refers to the lung system. Basically breathing in simple terms. Used symbolically because even with our brains and hearts need a support system to work well. And though I do not know how many people would end up reading my blog, but you people are my air. To give me that inspiration to understand, or even fart if you have to. Let me know, what's been right, wrong or simply your comments.

Therefore I hereby declare that as much as I want to be reasonable, clear and pragmatic in my blogging, please take it not totally literal or figurative as some thoughts of mine would more than often be impulsive or heartfelt. I need feedback from people, to let me grow and improve as a person.

A Midsummer Night's Dream

The play wasn't fantastic
The food wasn't great
The wine wasn't cold enough
But having you there, it was magical.

Went to Singapore Repertoire Theatre's A Midsummer Night's Dream with A. It was great. Simply because it was with her. All the beautiful things came together, we respected each other, no kissy suck face shit. But hey, it was helluva night.

I'm still jealous. By phonecalls and stuff. Yes, they prob be from normal friends. But it could be from him. But I just tell myself, hey, it could really just be friends. Trust her. Trust her. TRUST HER.

That's all that matters, doesn't it?

Afresh.

No matter how hard you try, whether it be "the beginning of the end" or "the end of the beginning", it sounds like the end.

So let's just start afresh. Start afresh in this place. In a world of my own. This is probably the 4th or 5th blog I'd ever had in life. The last one last updated probably 2 years ago.

This will be my little secret garden. If you read this, you must be a real great friend of mine to have a view in my really dark little world, my dark secrets. Perhaps not the darkest. But dark enough.