For the last few days...

I haven't been able to update for the last couple of days simply due to me having not much Internet connection. It really, really fucking sucks. I'm sick and fucking tired, honestly, of everything and everyone around me. No, not all, but a lot of people. I've come to a point that I really don't wanna get involved with your shit. Call me selfish cuz I really have too much in head that's really mindfucking me now, namely from you know who.

But good on me, that I continued to blog even without the forsaken fucking Internet connections in MS Word which now I would simply copy and paste here.

July 11th

Today sucked cuz it’s one of the worst days I’d ever had.
First, I saw A* with her beau just outta her house in her typical just made out hair do and behaviour. Was angry/sad/disappointed, but gave up on all those emotions simply cuz I take her as someone I no longer know.

Then at Blacks training, I was pinpointed as the most useless person. Am I sensitive? I got fucked with the most push ups even though I completed the fitness training without being the last person to come in, and NEVER got a chance to train as part of the team for the sevens competition. Even the LOUSIEST guy who skipped fitness and fucked up the passes had a go. WTF.

Rushed home to club with Gene and Cindy, saw drunken Shirlene. Fair enough. Then when I was at the toilet of Zouk, I bumped, literally physically bumped into Teresa. I immediately turned after saying sorry to her lest her beau got insecure all over me. I immediately tried to walk outta the club to avoid an otherwise awkward scene. Soon after, Gene boy came out to tell me that she seemed sad/despondent/weeping and hugging her friend after seeing me. Don’t really know if that really helped.

Ya, they all react so sad and feel so bad for what they did. But if so, why did they do it in the first place? And why do they CONTINUE DOING SO?

Am I really that badass fucked up?
Ugh. Tell me please.

July 14th

This is day of Past Vs Present. Got there in the morning at about 7:45am to realize that the games been pushed back an hour and fourty five minutes. Shame on you Hannah. Nonetheless, had a fantastic time with the chaps since we all graduated and that all of them had been well. Bo Wen’s grown fat, and Eugene/Caine/Marc all’s been the same.

Played a total of 4 games, in which the seniors(that is us), won 3 and drew one, with a little help from Kwok. Realized how times have caught up with us, and we were no longer the young punks anymore. Scored a couple of tries, namely at least one in every match myself, and played my heart out. Fitness is definitely not there. Note to self yeah.

After which I was late for work because of the games. A* came to talk to me. Supposedly needed to talk. As usual. Emotions ran and tempers flew only to realize, well, I still give a big shit about her. Had really wanted to tell her that I could forgive all that and forget, but I couldn’t bring myself too. I couldn’t bring myself to always give in to her. I do. But I ain’t telling.

Ended up realizing that her parents, her mom namely, instructed her to TOTALLY stop contacting me, even for a while. Am I that bad? I can’t care. She help my hands so tight, she would really never would had let go.If only she had done that months ago and not deleted that testimonial from Friendster which she deleted. The one where she said “(she) would never let go of my hands ever”. If only. Sigh.

Had a bad day at work cuz I was late and all were giving me attitude from the Union. Malcolm had told me to stack em all chairs on top and Sam had other plans. Told me to leave. Fuck. Don’t get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for Sam but honestly, ask me to leave? Damn be it.

Met up with Syme my man and little Gene boy thereafter for some pizza. Simply cuz I hadn’t eaten since 6am till 8+pm. DAMN!

Got a call from her at about 10:50pm. She said,” IF(a very big IF), that we were ever to have a future again, I won’t wanna share you at all.” I told her I was always fully for her. Just that she never wanted me. But once again, I talked to her in a soft voice Han would offer only to Amanda. WHY? I don’t know. Told her I won’t share her with anyone. Especially not with another guy. Friends fine.

I don’t know. I don’t really see a future though I would love to. Simply cuz things have gotten so outta hand that it seems doomed. Don’t get me wrong, I still love Amanda. But I love the one who once held my hand and told me she would never let go. Sigh. It blows. Why must she continue, even till this stage, that she must take things in her own way? Has she not learnt that THOUGHTS must be SPARE for ME? I don’t know. Regarding David, I still think he’s a twit. Always have, always will. If not him, someone else would take that place.

Fidelity people, fidelity. Loyalty to your partner is the only I look for in this world. Is it that hard? If a guy like me can do it, why can’t a girl?

I gave my best. I did.

July 15th
It was celebrations for Lutfiah’s birthday today. All surprises were killed. And I’m ass tired right now at 3:10am.

Basically we went to the beach which made me think of A*. And then Vivo which made me think of A*. Couldn’t let it out cuz I didn’t wanna kill anyone’s mood.

We did some stupid videos which I hope to post real soon.

Met some drunk indian who offered me a job cuz I was obnoxious, loud and had an attitude. Bought food and drinks, mainly alcoholic ones, which totalled to a few hundred bucks just to us.

Got me a mega buzz, which was added to my meeting with Syme. With a couple of beers.

I’m getting excited and tired of life.

How ironic. How it is.

Off to bed.

With a heartache.

And now on 16th July, i'm getting ready to meet Syme to head to school. I honestly ain't feeling the greatest in the world for the last couple of days. Even though those brief rugby games did make me feel like the champ again, made me feel like the best again, it all just made me empty again when it did stop. Something's missing within me. Or someone.

Speech(less)

Some things I still wanna talk about, but I shouldn't.

And I really can't be fucking bothered.

Too tired, though it still gets a reaction outta me.

The real not too good reaction.

But i'm very grateful to those around me.

At least you people won't wrong me.

And Lutfiah, you're definitely one of my greatest friends. Stay strong. *hugs* We still hafta watch Parrots of the Currybean ya? ;)

In a blink.

Last few days news came about.

1) Shoulder observations by dear Dr Chan, my classmate, states that I would most probably have to go for another MRI. And that owing to the reason that it probably didn't heal properly and I, yes, have to go for another shoulder arthroscopy.

2) And no, I've decided not to get it down simply because of the costs. And I don't wanna take the chance of being outta exercise for another year. Financial questions as well.

3) Worked in Sentosa today, and it was simply FUNtastic. Had gotten to know this shy and nice girl who's 2 years of my senior. After work, we went to the Carlsberg Sky Tower. After which we went to play some Luge. Yes Luge. Fantastic. It was fun all over the place. All corporate complimentary tickets which we got to enjoy :) And there was also free tickets, tonnes in fact, for the Underwater World, which I decided to skip as Eugene was waiting for me. So had to turn them down. Pretty nice bunch cept of this guy who kept saying I was fat. Haha. I don't give a shit honestly. Too bad didn't get to talk to her as much though. Seemed like a nice girl. New friends is my thing right now. Nothing more. Probably would work with her for another event thingy come end of June.

4) FA Cup was rubbish. Seeing Chelsea win it. But it seemed pretty worthless. Honestly.

5) Finally got to catch up with Jon. Kinda hoped that I slapped some sense into him. Gave him the encouragement I gave myself a while ago. To rid all that shit that was going inside of me. Hope he gets touched by Him again, and guide him into light again.

6) Done something wrong again. Argh.

Blacks RFC training.

Yesterday, went out with Jeremy, Chunkiat and Zhong to this real gayass place called Miss Clarity's Cafe. As usual, Jon was absent. It's not a bad a place especially when their Ben & Jerry's only $10 a pint. But damn, the layout of the place, felt like some Happy House shit to me man. But nonetheless, it was cool to meet up with the dudes from class back in J1 before retain.

Bought a book at Border's, thanks to Jeremy's 35% discount. It's titled Talent is Never Enough. Good enough motivation from the title for someone like me. Flipped through it, seemed great, bought it at $16. I hafta say it's probably the first time I'd ever bought a book for myself other than the whole Lord of The Rings series which is still untouched. That stuff in the book is cool. Probably add some interesting stuff I read in it here some time.

Went for Blacks training today, as usual, lack of fitness. Haha. But it was great. Getting in touch with the sport again. No injuries today. Just hard running and touch rugby. I ain't fit, not even close, but whilst during touch, I ran my knockers off. It was great. Fumbled quite a lot which was bad. Could had always used excuses like injury and long layoff from the game caused it but hey, a mistake is a mistake. Especially mistakes. Scored a lucky try. Could had a couple more, but damn, it was enough. Felt the high. It's still the passion in my life. Perhaps explains all my shitass mood and depressive pent up anger due to me not being able to play since last October. If only someone could understand that.

I feel the burning within that's been pretty on and off in me again. I wanna set my life straight. With or without someone. It has been eating into me quite a bit, and I'd been fucking up my life pretty much for the last couple of months. Failing exams, skipping coaching sessions and sleeping in class. It's not good. This ain't me. And it definitely ain't what I want. I need to sort this fucking head of my once again.

Can be done. Will be done.

Saw A in church today. I bet anyone can guess how I'd feel. It's such desolation. Grief. Bereavement. Words of sorrow that has long imbued in me. But leaving straight after church, not letting her see me is perhaps the best way. For either of us. It's pretty drama and gay. But hey, whatever works. It's sad that I don't sit beside her anymore.

Wished Auntie Nancy Happy Mother's Day today. Via sms of course. She was saying she hasn't really seem me these days and kinda hoped that all would be fine for me. It felt nice. She praying that it wasn't too stressful in school for me or anything. I liked A's parents. Always nice to me. And I in turn, do try to be nice to them. Oh well, sorry, but I still can't get over it. I miss them. I miss her family. I miss her. But I know, somehow, deep within, it's really really really over this time round.

Hope she'd be happy. That's all that matters, right?