You.

Stop being so unfair. Stop screwing up my head again as I was ready to let go. Ready to forget. I should really stop letting you do this to me.

What's the point? There is no future in us. That's what you showed me. Then why?

Then why persist?





More truth to come I would say.

For the last few days...

I haven't been able to update for the last couple of days simply due to me having not much Internet connection. It really, really fucking sucks. I'm sick and fucking tired, honestly, of everything and everyone around me. No, not all, but a lot of people. I've come to a point that I really don't wanna get involved with your shit. Call me selfish cuz I really have too much in head that's really mindfucking me now, namely from you know who.

But good on me, that I continued to blog even without the forsaken fucking Internet connections in MS Word which now I would simply copy and paste here.

July 11th

Today sucked cuz it’s one of the worst days I’d ever had.
First, I saw A* with her beau just outta her house in her typical just made out hair do and behaviour. Was angry/sad/disappointed, but gave up on all those emotions simply cuz I take her as someone I no longer know.

Then at Blacks training, I was pinpointed as the most useless person. Am I sensitive? I got fucked with the most push ups even though I completed the fitness training without being the last person to come in, and NEVER got a chance to train as part of the team for the sevens competition. Even the LOUSIEST guy who skipped fitness and fucked up the passes had a go. WTF.

Rushed home to club with Gene and Cindy, saw drunken Shirlene. Fair enough. Then when I was at the toilet of Zouk, I bumped, literally physically bumped into Teresa. I immediately turned after saying sorry to her lest her beau got insecure all over me. I immediately tried to walk outta the club to avoid an otherwise awkward scene. Soon after, Gene boy came out to tell me that she seemed sad/despondent/weeping and hugging her friend after seeing me. Don’t really know if that really helped.

Ya, they all react so sad and feel so bad for what they did. But if so, why did they do it in the first place? And why do they CONTINUE DOING SO?

Am I really that badass fucked up?
Ugh. Tell me please.

July 14th

This is day of Past Vs Present. Got there in the morning at about 7:45am to realize that the games been pushed back an hour and fourty five minutes. Shame on you Hannah. Nonetheless, had a fantastic time with the chaps since we all graduated and that all of them had been well. Bo Wen’s grown fat, and Eugene/Caine/Marc all’s been the same.

Played a total of 4 games, in which the seniors(that is us), won 3 and drew one, with a little help from Kwok. Realized how times have caught up with us, and we were no longer the young punks anymore. Scored a couple of tries, namely at least one in every match myself, and played my heart out. Fitness is definitely not there. Note to self yeah.

After which I was late for work because of the games. A* came to talk to me. Supposedly needed to talk. As usual. Emotions ran and tempers flew only to realize, well, I still give a big shit about her. Had really wanted to tell her that I could forgive all that and forget, but I couldn’t bring myself too. I couldn’t bring myself to always give in to her. I do. But I ain’t telling.

Ended up realizing that her parents, her mom namely, instructed her to TOTALLY stop contacting me, even for a while. Am I that bad? I can’t care. She help my hands so tight, she would really never would had let go.If only she had done that months ago and not deleted that testimonial from Friendster which she deleted. The one where she said “(she) would never let go of my hands ever”. If only. Sigh.

Had a bad day at work cuz I was late and all were giving me attitude from the Union. Malcolm had told me to stack em all chairs on top and Sam had other plans. Told me to leave. Fuck. Don’t get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for Sam but honestly, ask me to leave? Damn be it.

Met up with Syme my man and little Gene boy thereafter for some pizza. Simply cuz I hadn’t eaten since 6am till 8+pm. DAMN!

Got a call from her at about 10:50pm. She said,” IF(a very big IF), that we were ever to have a future again, I won’t wanna share you at all.” I told her I was always fully for her. Just that she never wanted me. But once again, I talked to her in a soft voice Han would offer only to Amanda. WHY? I don’t know. Told her I won’t share her with anyone. Especially not with another guy. Friends fine.

I don’t know. I don’t really see a future though I would love to. Simply cuz things have gotten so outta hand that it seems doomed. Don’t get me wrong, I still love Amanda. But I love the one who once held my hand and told me she would never let go. Sigh. It blows. Why must she continue, even till this stage, that she must take things in her own way? Has she not learnt that THOUGHTS must be SPARE for ME? I don’t know. Regarding David, I still think he’s a twit. Always have, always will. If not him, someone else would take that place.

Fidelity people, fidelity. Loyalty to your partner is the only I look for in this world. Is it that hard? If a guy like me can do it, why can’t a girl?

I gave my best. I did.

July 15th
It was celebrations for Lutfiah’s birthday today. All surprises were killed. And I’m ass tired right now at 3:10am.

Basically we went to the beach which made me think of A*. And then Vivo which made me think of A*. Couldn’t let it out cuz I didn’t wanna kill anyone’s mood.

We did some stupid videos which I hope to post real soon.

Met some drunk indian who offered me a job cuz I was obnoxious, loud and had an attitude. Bought food and drinks, mainly alcoholic ones, which totalled to a few hundred bucks just to us.

Got me a mega buzz, which was added to my meeting with Syme. With a couple of beers.

I’m getting excited and tired of life.

How ironic. How it is.

Off to bed.

With a heartache.

And now on 16th July, i'm getting ready to meet Syme to head to school. I honestly ain't feeling the greatest in the world for the last couple of days. Even though those brief rugby games did make me feel like the champ again, made me feel like the best again, it all just made me empty again when it did stop. Something's missing within me. Or someone.

Ponder wonder.

I really wonder if, I really did all those 'nice' things as my friendster testimonials say. Honestly. Is it because i'm single in profile, that those people start being nicer? I mean, come on now, I still treat all of them the same, regardless be it guys or girls. I'm still the same guy. Though it's real nice that people talk good about me, show me some sort of attention, but I don't know. It seems to paint a misleading picture about me, seemingly so promiscuous. Argh.

My msn nick is, to err, is to man does. If you read it real fast, who's name does it sound like? Sigh. So far only Charis figured out what i'm saying. Perhaps A would never know. No no, not perhaps, I know she would never know.

I'm a man of words, be it when it counts or when it doesn't. But some people just pay attention to things that they are oh so interested. I guess, literary wit is honestly for oneself to partake.

No doubt, she is keeping me awake. Instilled into every thought in my mind, sapping on my energy. I want to sleep. Yet I don't dare to sleep? Insomnia caused by what? After reading up rubbish on the Net, my self analysis is that I don't dare to sleep due to recurrent dreams of her. All of which are bittersweet.

Do I want to see her again in a beautiful dream? Yes and no.

Why? Because I became so emotionally frail that I wake in a pool of tears.

I haven't really slept in 3 days because of that. Only those 2 hr naps in the noon, oh, were they naps? I don't know. I just fell and woke up.

Baby come back...

Fever beaver.

It sucks to always fall sick. Well, I guess technically it's not always. Since I have yet to recover. Everytime i'm close to recovery, something new strikes me again. Queer. Just like in JC days. When I had infected blood.

Ever thought of someone whom you should had never thought about ever again? I am. Every single moment now. It's not that I want to, or actually don't want to. I don't know. It ain't right. Even after lotsa drama that's not very positive, you start to think about the beautiful and magical stuff that happens. But it's a vicious cycle really, cuz when you do ponder upon those nice thoughts, what hurtful things people say to you, overthrows all of it. Especially when they told you they loved you outta sympathy, and that you were pathetic, never to get a girl, and worst of all, they admit that it wasn't a particular moment BOTH of you shared. But with anyone else who came along. It madness really.

As I squint and struggle to type in this slow computer due to the fever feeding me with pangs of headache, the pain in the heart is by the gnawing of my memories.

Rhetorical questions and existentialistic shits come into my head, the what ifs and the whys. Honestly dude, it doesn't matter. Cuz it has all happened.

Like Samm said, see what happens in Darwin. Yeah we shall see. But I honestly think it no longer concerns my ass anymore. Even if I do bother with it, sorry, Han ain't no longer in the picture anymore babe. It's either that skinny faggot or someone else. Han never seem to be all that already.

Why can't she just take it in? Like I always had. Perhaps explains the unexplainable behaviour of raising my fists. But I had always taken it in for the greater good. Tolerance. Give and take. Where are those values anymore? Have I caused a greater BAD? Apparently he's got issues and treats her like dump, and she crawls back to em. What about Han? Regardless of those times i'm out with my friends and stuff, once she calls, I was there.

I'd always be here for you if you want me to.

I chose my words carefully before I offered it to her. Did she really think about what I said? I'm ALWAYS there.
It's really just a matter whether she wants me to be there. Comprehend?

And yet I always get the blame. I would love to always see her good side and her good side only. But right now
I bet my ass they have already made up and holding each other looking at the stars.

Something that I once enjoyed.

Sigh. 

Fever.

I'm running a temperature of 39.5 degrees. Thank God it ain't >40 degrees or I can say goodbye to my muscles and brain.

It still ain't going down.

It still ain't.

It still ain't.

Hardened Cough.

Been coughing like a lil bitch today. Must had gotten it from Syme when his salivate went into my food. Not as if he did it on purpose. But one must watch certain things, especially if it's unnecessary.

Proud of Lutfiah for running 3.2km. Damn. That was good.

Had a lil sprint session with Mr Pandey and boy he was fast. Honest. At least same pace. Just that he didn't had the lungs to continue. Got my friend, a Sprint Coach, to assess my technique and stuff so that I could improve. Simply told me I tried too hard when sprinting, I should take it easier. I know it's true. But honestly, I don't know how to take it easy when running. I'm moulded this way by my sport. Argh.

Did a lil gym right after, we headed to SRU with Shirlene. Collected her cheque, listened to Aaron's bull (as usual!), and saw how stressed Sam was. But as usual, he conquered the day, calm and collected.

After which we indulged in a bit of pasar malam food which totally encouraged this bitchass cough till now. Sat in the middle of nowhere and started eating in front of people. Kinda beginning to think, am I a typical loser who thinks too much? Or are there really girls who'd check me out? Help me. Lemme know. I appreciate attention just to claim self-worth.

Passed A our bag for her Phuket trip. Too much to say, too lil that I would bother saying. I don't know what's going on, but I feel nothing will ever go on again. There was still reaction created outta me when she teared, but it didn't hurt or bother me as much as it used to be. I feel so, numb to all of it. Not that I don't care, perhaps just that I react differently now.

Her friends probably, from her own confession, think i'm that piece'a shit asshole who went around trying to hit on girls. My friends, especially those who are always around me, would know better. Whatever she did, she knows. Those who needa know, knows. I don't wanna talk about it, nor share it. Too uncool.

I believe we all make mistakes.
And we get to keep our little secrets.
Which I should start sometime soon.

If I ever have anything to hide.

Speech(less)

Some things I still wanna talk about, but I shouldn't.

And I really can't be fucking bothered.

Too tired, though it still gets a reaction outta me.

The real not too good reaction.

But i'm very grateful to those around me.

At least you people won't wrong me.

And Lutfiah, you're definitely one of my greatest friends. Stay strong. *hugs* We still hafta watch Parrots of the Currybean ya? ;)

Get out of my life.

I've learnt this tip from someone by the name of T.

Just when you thought you have made the best, most beautiful and appropriate ending to something that matters to you most, think again.

Someone just has to come back to spoil it all and make sure you suffer for it. Make sure you pay for that mistake. Remind you of how lousy you are. Stamp on your head as you fall. Take a swipe at your feet to make sure you stay down.

If I was a kid, I would grow to hate that someone. Unfortunately, i'm too fucking old for this fucking shit. I choose to forgive, and then forget. Eradicate.

I won't hate you for spoiling it all. For all that you have done. Neither would you, because you're too high and mighty to do that. And I won't either. I'm too good for that.

Now, with this even stronger resolution of being accused of things that I'd never done and also fed up of being nice, let's hear it Han, " fuck this shit! "

Get out of my life. Get out of my mind. Get out of my heart.

I won't hate you. I will forgive you. I won't remember you. I will forget us because of you.

There you go.

Wet.

It rained heavily today.

Heavily.

I guess it won't ever rain again.

To whom it may concern.

I don't need you anymore.

And i'm glad for that.

:)

"If it makes no dollars, it makes no sense"

Tried food without taste?
No matter how much stuff you put in them?
Especially from your usual favorite stall?
Your same fancied food?

Ever felt that smoking didn't do it for you anymore?
That each puff you inhaled made you sicker without stimulance?
And each shape just seemed to fog your mind from the present for the past?

Forget the "oh i miss her so much" shit.
Cuz I just do.
Don't even need to say it.

Now I know how Adam felt when his rib was removed.
But for me, I never got to see it again.

And if, *** WARNING: Emo Signs Ahead***, ever necessary, let her know I love her so.

Blacks RFC training.

Yesterday, went out with Jeremy, Chunkiat and Zhong to this real gayass place called Miss Clarity's Cafe. As usual, Jon was absent. It's not a bad a place especially when their Ben & Jerry's only $10 a pint. But damn, the layout of the place, felt like some Happy House shit to me man. But nonetheless, it was cool to meet up with the dudes from class back in J1 before retain.

Bought a book at Border's, thanks to Jeremy's 35% discount. It's titled Talent is Never Enough. Good enough motivation from the title for someone like me. Flipped through it, seemed great, bought it at $16. I hafta say it's probably the first time I'd ever bought a book for myself other than the whole Lord of The Rings series which is still untouched. That stuff in the book is cool. Probably add some interesting stuff I read in it here some time.

Went for Blacks training today, as usual, lack of fitness. Haha. But it was great. Getting in touch with the sport again. No injuries today. Just hard running and touch rugby. I ain't fit, not even close, but whilst during touch, I ran my knockers off. It was great. Fumbled quite a lot which was bad. Could had always used excuses like injury and long layoff from the game caused it but hey, a mistake is a mistake. Especially mistakes. Scored a lucky try. Could had a couple more, but damn, it was enough. Felt the high. It's still the passion in my life. Perhaps explains all my shitass mood and depressive pent up anger due to me not being able to play since last October. If only someone could understand that.

I feel the burning within that's been pretty on and off in me again. I wanna set my life straight. With or without someone. It has been eating into me quite a bit, and I'd been fucking up my life pretty much for the last couple of months. Failing exams, skipping coaching sessions and sleeping in class. It's not good. This ain't me. And it definitely ain't what I want. I need to sort this fucking head of my once again.

Can be done. Will be done.

Saw A in church today. I bet anyone can guess how I'd feel. It's such desolation. Grief. Bereavement. Words of sorrow that has long imbued in me. But leaving straight after church, not letting her see me is perhaps the best way. For either of us. It's pretty drama and gay. But hey, whatever works. It's sad that I don't sit beside her anymore.

Wished Auntie Nancy Happy Mother's Day today. Via sms of course. She was saying she hasn't really seem me these days and kinda hoped that all would be fine for me. It felt nice. She praying that it wasn't too stressful in school for me or anything. I liked A's parents. Always nice to me. And I in turn, do try to be nice to them. Oh well, sorry, but I still can't get over it. I miss them. I miss her family. I miss her. But I know, somehow, deep within, it's really really really over this time round.

Hope she'd be happy. That's all that matters, right?

Final Word?

And now I know.

It's no more.

Goodbye my lover,
Goodbye my friend.
You were the one,
you were the one for me.

Why?

People ask me to move on. I know I will. At least try. But more often or not, they question WHY? Why be a lovelorn? Especially for A? After all I have done, good or bad, and what she has or has never done, why?

I want to express first and foremost, I've lost someone whom I truly loved before her. And I never got the chance to find out how much I loved T till the day she drove away. As for A, precisely I didn't want that to happen since the beginning! Who would want to get together to break up? What's the point? I look at all relationships long term. I ain't coming into the shack to look for a goodtime. I look at a potential spouse. To a fiercer extent, I look at a potential mother of my kids. I please her parents. Never did that for T. I buy A stuff. Same, never for T. Nevermind about the wine and dine too. Nonetheless, I have my flaws. I do wrong things, stupid things that hurt A, which eventually came back to hurt me.

I include A in my prayers ever since we got together, even till now. Thanking Him for her. And now, hoping that she be happy. I ain't acting noble. To be honest, I still feel unjust regarding that Mr D. of hers. But hey, be a sport and stop whining! I've lost. All's never fair in love and war. Guess I just couldn't and didn't play my cards right.

I'd just at least for now, steer clear of her. Lest I break down and cry like a little bitch that I hope not to show the world. But I would be there for her as long as she wants me to. The very first words I wrote on her palm when we got together 1st January 2006. In that very bus 75 at 6:50PM off Esplanade.

And I would still continue to visit Ally's grave whenever I'm free. Keep A's picture in my wallet till it's really time to remove it. And her photo in my phone when the time is right.

But she'd always have that special space in my heart that no one can replace. I swear.

A Midsummer Night's Dream

The play wasn't fantastic
The food wasn't great
The wine wasn't cold enough
But having you there, it was magical.

Went to Singapore Repertoire Theatre's A Midsummer Night's Dream with A. It was great. Simply because it was with her. All the beautiful things came together, we respected each other, no kissy suck face shit. But hey, it was helluva night.

I'm still jealous. By phonecalls and stuff. Yes, they prob be from normal friends. But it could be from him. But I just tell myself, hey, it could really just be friends. Trust her. Trust her. TRUST HER.

That's all that matters, doesn't it?